Wednesday, 6 May 2026
Today it is a week since I learned that several processes which had been turning my life into hell have finally come to an end. At last.
I can be at peace. That is what they tell me.
Though not completely. So it seems.
Life allows little rest.
Life is the only thing that keeps us alive.
At eight on Monday evening I began to notice something strange in my right ear. As though water had got inside. That day there was a storm and a dark sky of the kind Lleida does not usually have. That day it poured. It never rains here.
I waited for my partner, who was coming from Barcelona, so that we could go home together. We did not get wet. We were soaked through from head to toe. We arrived home drenched. I got into the shower and, when I came out, began to feel something strange in my ear. It did not hurt. It simply felt odd.
My neighbour called to ask whether I could help him install a sound system someone had lent him. That is what I did. It did not work, so he went to fetch another system from his old house. He left us the dog. The three of us stayed together for three hours, three.
My partner became angry, although they never said anything. That was precisely why I thought they might be angry. They paid no bloody attention to the little dog. For days they had been giving it all the affection in the world. The dog understood nothing. Neither did I. I felt sorry for it.
We had dinner. We went to bed until the neighbour returned home, after three hours, three, the three of us. I gave him back the dog and again helped him finally set up his new system.
After a while we finally managed it. My partner remained at home. They said nothing.
When I returned, my partner did not answer me. They were asleep, or so it seemed. They hid beneath the sheets. As though life were a children’s game.
I remained alone—I always had been—while I listened to the neighbour playing music very loudly through his new system. My ear gradually began to hurt. It was strange. Very strange.
While we were setting up the sound system, there was a moment when I had the headphones on to check which channel the sound was entering and leaving through, because no sound was reaching the new but old speakers. I changed the settings and his music blasted through the headphones at full volume. I jumped and tore them off.
I thought that might have caused the strange sensation I now had in my right ear. I heard a ringing, but the worst thing was the pain. The pain increased. It kept getting worse. So I took two Nolotils for the toothache I had already been carrying for weeks. It hurt right down to my soul. More still when I thought about returning to bed to feel alone with someone beside me, hiding. Ignoring me.
I went to sleep.
I tried, but I could not.
My partner did not stir.
They said nothing.
In silence, in tension.
I collapsed, exhausted, asleep.
Soon afterwards I woke.
Pain woke me.
I got up without my partner noticing.
I drank some oat milk and took two Tramadols.
I returned to bed.
It took me a little longer to fall asleep.
I fell asleep despite the pain.
A short while later I woke again, this time in greater pain.
One pain after another pain.
One pain on top of a greater pain.
I began to cry out in pain.
My right ear hurt, inside.
I understood nothing.
It hurt and hurt.
I screamed in silence.
My partner woke up.
It hurt.
I tried to keep quiet.
I failed.
It hurt more and more.
My partner began to understand.
I suggested going to the Hospital.
Even thinking about it was difficult.
I had no alternative. Back there again.
I did not want to go. I did not want to leave the bed.
I wanted to sleep. To stay in bed.
To be alone at home for once. At last.
Pain was winning the battle.
I accepted that perhaps we had to go to the Hospital.
This was not going to get better, quite the opposite.
So I got up, put on my trainers and got dressed.
I asked whether they could call a taxi to take us to the Hospital.
I asked them, please.
They rolled a cigarette.
I waited for them to smoke it.
I was dizzy from pain, sleep and medication.
We left home. At last.
The memory of my previous episode in the Hospital returned.
I thought perhaps I would not come back.
I thought perhaps returning would be difficult.
As I went down the stairs, I thought perhaps not that difficult.
We stepped into the street and got into the taxi.
It was half past four on Monday morning.
We entered Accident and Emergency.
(…)
We left Accident and Emergency.
My eardrum had burst.
Nothing more and nothing less. Spontaneously.
The pain stopped. The desire to be alone never did.
I needed peace and quiet, and to listen to myself.
I was never heard. Never. I repeated it.
I wanted and needed to be alone. Nothing.
I felt like the dog. Perhaps worse. Who knows.
None so deaf as those who will not hear.